Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Comparing yourself to others

This is hilarious

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.