Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dutch so unserious

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.