Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.