Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
We will use anything but the metric system
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.