Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
where the womens at?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
🤣could you imagine
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
i want to work in this restaurant
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his