Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

love it when they get my name right

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.