Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Solving a traffic jam
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware