Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

same energy

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

💯😂

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.