Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”