Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.