Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real