Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Born to be mild.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.