Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Google Pay be like:
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Swedish for common sense.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.