Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
LOL
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!