Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*