“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
This is enough internet for the day.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
@funTweeters
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there