Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I wish this was real life…
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Camel dough
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.