Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me