Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
