HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Good advice.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
When ur friends with white people
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week