hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
wow
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
#JohnTravolta
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?