hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Bobby pin
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”