hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
You Might Also Like
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am