hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!