THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.