Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.