Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

✌️

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

This is my favorite one of these!

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.