“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
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I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.