Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.