Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?