hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels