Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Is your wife single?

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Love is in the air fryer.

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??