Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.