Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

jesus christ confetti not now

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..