Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!