Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
You Might Also Like
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Never let them know your next move 😂
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes