Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

*pronounces patio like ratio

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion