Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.