Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

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May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“


I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion


Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.


[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position


Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.


Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful


GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit