@doublewenis
@mjkspeaks
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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@mjkspeaks
@notfunnyelle
I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion
@envydatropic
Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.
@Tups13
Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.
@GimmieTheHam
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
@Shenanigans_luv
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
@MattTheBrand
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
@SRbeta
Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.
@ObscureGent
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
@AbbieEvansXO
GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit