@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

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@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@notfunnyelle

I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion

@envydatropic

Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.

@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@MattTheBrand

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

@SRbeta

Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.

@ObscureGent

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit