Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
why am I working on Labor Day
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids