Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.