Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
About to throw up
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
How actors in movies eat their food
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨