Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
english majors be like furthermore
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.