Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I have a type: disappointing

Thursday

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”