Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?