Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Stop sending me this shit.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
mechanics be like
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.