Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.