Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Split the bill

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.