Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.