Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.