Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

When you put it that way… 😂

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

“How can I help u, Bowser?”

I need a loan

“For ANOTHER castle?”

A flying castle

“U have like 24 already”

IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

This took me a second..

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea