Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who likes music

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

SONOFA

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

buys donuts instead

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.