Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

This kid is a star!

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story