Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William