Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*