Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.