A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?
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The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here.
KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room
ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?
ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight