People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I have two kinds of followers
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Accurate
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.