@Underchilde

Hey, remember when AT&T told you to “reach out and touch someone” and you ended up with that restraining order?

Good times!

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@TheCatWhisprer

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

@KenJennings

The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.

@SoFarFetchd

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

@SassyTexasGal

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@maughammom

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

@AndyAsAdjective

KID: dad, I think a ghost is in my room

ME: the ghost in the scary movie I said not to watch?

KID: yes

ME: well good luck. that thing’s freaky as hell. goodnight