Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
We don’t deserve birds.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
😂 amazing answer
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Well well well…
