Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
You Might Also Like
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
technically true but not a great slogan
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge