Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
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If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄