Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Meat Cute
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker