Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

He’s cranky this morning

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message