Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza