Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

the council will decide your fate

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person

Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that