Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Nice try, poison.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

sweet dreams💖

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed