Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.