Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.