Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

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famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons


flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons


Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?


DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris


ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?


What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?


If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.


OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?



Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.


[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?


SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that


Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*