[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
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waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Tony Hawk, age 6
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Roses are red
Violets are blue
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*