Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

Somedays I just love AI so much

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez