Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

If it weren’t for the British I’d be herding cows away from a craggy cliff in a wool shawl but no, they had to get greedy and now I have to figure out my back taxes

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Who chose this font

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”