Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.