Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I have a new favorite meme page

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.