Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

shampoo implies shampee

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.