“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.