“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
You Might Also Like
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
We’ve come full circle
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body